Ideas for the Maid of Honor and Bridesmaids

Enjoy the role! Accept your responsibilities with grace and enthusiasm.

This is the bride's day. At the wedding itself, the bridesmaids are for moral support. Be there! Arrive on time. Don't sneak off with one of the groomsmen. And don't get drunk. People are very judgmental at weddings, and you should try to impress upon the bride's new family that she has nice friends. You can still be yourself and have fun, just don't go crazy.

The Bridesmaids' Dress

Depending on your bride's preferences, she may specify every detail of your outfit, down to the brand of hosiery and style of bra, or she may simply ask that you wear something tasteful. Most brides fall somewhere in between. By agreeing to be a bridesmaid, you are obligated to honor her wishes.

If you are having financial difficulties, try to point it out during the first shopping expedition. $150 is reasonable for a bridesmaid dress, but if she's eyeing the $600 silk collection, let her know what your spending limit is. If your friend offers to help pay for your outfit, you must absolutely never tell anyone. She might be making an exception just for you, and mentioning it would be very inappropriate.

Try to buy comfortable shoes. If the bride wants dyed-to-match shoes, buy a half-size too big. The shoes can actually shrink a little during the dying process. If your shoes are too big, you can buy inserts, but if they are too small, you're going to suffer. During the weeks before the wedding wear your shoes every day, slowly building up the amount of time you wear them.

If you hate the outfit, don't complain to anyone involved in the wedding. Tell a taxi driver, your own family or the clerk at the grocery store, but never any of the bride's friends or family.

The Bridal Shower

Hosting duties (and therefore the costs) can be undertaken by the maid of honor alone or by all the bridesmaids together. If all bridesmaids are contributing, all should be involved in the planning. Determine early on the size shower you can afford, and discuss with the bride what she has in mind. Some people expect a formal luncheon in a banquet room, while some prefer the tradition of an at-home shower, with only a few guests. Some brides, unfortunately, can get carried away with the gift registry and will want to invite as many people to the shower as possible.

If your bride is going overboard (such as sending you a 125-person guest list), you can remind her that you can't afford such an extravagant shower, or that you think such a party is inappropriate. If she wants you to host, she should respect your limits. Give her a range or a maximum number of guests to invite. (Don't 'forget' to invite her friends that you dislike. It is, after all, her party.)

In some regions, it is actually becoming acceptable for the groom's mother or aunt to pay for a large shower, inviting every woman on the wedding guest list. If this is your bride's situation, you may not be expected to host a shower. Ask the bride before you start planning.

There is no reason to have only one shower. If her future mother-in-law wants a large bridal shower, you can host a friends-only party. Just don't invite anyone to more than one shower. (The mothers and bridesmaids are the exception; they may be invited to all showers.)

The Bachelorette Party

Ask the bride-to-be what she prefers. This is one evening that it is difficult to assume exactly what type of event someone will want. Your straight-laced friend might be waiting for an excuse such as this to go to the all-nude male revue, or she might be extremely uncomfortable at the idea. Once the bride gives you a general idea, you (plural, as in all the bridesmaids) can plan whatever type of evening you want and can afford.

Don't forget to embarrass the bride! Create a cheap veil or white feather boa and tiara for her to wear throughout the evening.

This is one event where it is acceptable to ask guests to contribute to the bill. The bridesmaids should pay the majority, but you may ask each guest to provide $10 or $20 to cover a limo-bus rental or strip-o-gram. Also, if bar-hopping is on the agenda, everyone may reasonably be expected to pay for their own drinks. Just include a note with the invitation! No one likes to show up and then be told that they have to pay.

Ideas for the Bachelorette Party:
♦ drinks and dancing
♦ male strip club
♦ dinner, wine, ice cream, and chick-flicks
♦ comedy club
♦ slumber party (scary movies, junk food, prank phone calls to the groom)
♦ Vegas weekend
♦ poker night
♦ day spa
♦ private cooking class
♦ road trip to some fun annual event: Kentucky Derby, famous parade, etc

The Wedding Day

Most importantly, be where you are supposed to be at the designated time. Set the alarm, be prepared for traffic, and no excuses! Don't forget to eat a good breakfast. You will be on your feet a lot, and you don't want to faint. If you're unsure of the meal plans for the early part of the day, take a few snack bars with you.

Arrive at the scheduled locations for pre-ceremony photos, and be prepared to be available throughout the event. Remember that the bride and groom are paying a lot for these photos, so smile and try to look pleasant, even if the sun is hot and the grass is wet and itchy. Help the bride with her outfit and makeup. The photographer will not notice if something is out of place.

When entering the ceremony site, and during the ceremony, do not hold your breath or lock your knees. If you do you might pass out. If you are nervous about being watched, just remind yourself that people will only watch you for a few seconds, then they will all focus on the bride. As you walk, hold your bouquet at waist level. It may feel unnatural, but it looks better than holding it up by your chest.

The maid of honor may need to adjust the bride's train when she arrives at the altar. You may also need to hold the bride's bouquet during certain points of the ceremony. This should be determined at the rehearsal. Since you will be holding her bouquet and your own, the best man will carry both wedding rings.

After the ceremony, you may be expected to stay and take pictures, or participate in the receiving line. The receiving line is easy, just say, "hello, nice to see you," and make introductions if you think people don't know each other.

At some point after the ceremony, the maid of honor and best man will be asked to sign the marriage certificate.

During the reception, the bridal party may be announced as you all enter. Prior to dinner, the best man will make a toast. After he speaks, the maid of honor or any bridesmaid may make a toast, if you feel so inclined, though it isn't required.

After dinner, the bride and groom will likely have their first dance. This may be followed by a bridal party dance, where each couple is asked to the floor. The best man and maid of honor will dance first, followed by pairs of attendants.

Hints and Tips

If you are attending several showers, do not feel obligated to bring a gift to each one. Only an utterly self-absorbed bride will expect you to do so. If you only buy one gift, take it to the shower with the fewest attendees.

As the wedding plans progress, offer your opinion, but be gentle about it. Don't repeatedly ask, "Have you done ___ yet?" This may seem innocent enough, but the bride may just consider it a reminder of how far behind schedule she is. Suggestions and questions may be interpreted as criticism by an overly-stressed bride-to-be. Don't be afraid to offer fun ideas, but only when the bride seems to be in a good mood. "What can I do to help?" is always appropriate.

If the hairstylist, seamstress or other professional seems to be taking advantage of the bride's overwhelmed mental state, you may have to step in and speak up. Don't insult professionals, and don't accuse anyone of impropriety. Mention things politely, such as, "I think that eye shadow is a bit darker than what you usually wear. Are you sure you're comfortable with it?"

Never, ever, ever make disparaging remarks about the groom. Don't remind the bride that he hasn't mailed in the contracts yet, or that he glanced at some girl for more than a split second. Serious details (such as actually hitting on another woman) of course must be mentioned, but trivial comments will only frazzle an already overwhelmed bride-to-be.

Your main job is to help with the fun! Remind the bride that there is more to life than wedding plans. Keep up your pre-wedding-planning social gatherings. If she asks for help with wedding tasks, of course try to help. But when you get together, you shouldn't always feel that you have to discuss the wedding, she might just want a night off!

Fun Ideas:

The bridesmaids can write a group toast, and read, one line at a time, rotating through the group. This takes the pressure off, because it spreads the attention, and you can justify reading the speech (as opposed to speaking from memory). Although a memorized speech is always more enjoyable, a group can gather around and read together. Whether you plan to read or recite from memory, practice! Don't confuse "unrehearsed" with "spontaneous." The more you practice, the more comfortable you will be, and the more natural you will sound.

Create a bridal shower or wedding-planning scrapbook to present to the bride at the rehearsal dinner or the bridesmaids' luncheon. Stick with the theme of the party, for example, if the bridal shower is a barbeque, the scrapbook should be fun and not too formal.

Buy two or three disposable cameras for candids at the reception. While the bride and groom are on their honeymoon, develop the pictures and put together an informal album. (It will probably be several months before their professional pictures are ready.)

Wedding gift ideas:
♥ A spa date, about two months after the wedding, so she'll still feel special after the post-wedding letdown.
♥ Theater or concert tickets for the happy couple, as it might be awhile before they can afford a nice night out if they paid for the wedding themselves.

Basic Schedule

♦ One year to nine months in advance: Help the bride shop for her gown.
♦ Six months: Help the bride shop for bridesmaids' dresses. Order the dress she has chosen for you.
♦ Four months: Make arrangements for the bridal shower, if you are hosting.
♦ Two to three months: Have your dress altered to fit properly.
♦ Six weeks or two months: Bridal shower.
♦ One month: The maid of honor should go with the bride to at least one of her fittings, and ask the seamstress to show you how to bustle the train.
♦ Write two toasts. It is generally optional for the ladies to give toasts, and if asked you may decline, but it's always a good idea to have something prepared so you won't be caught off guard.
♦ Have the bachelorette party at least one week before the wedding, never the night before.
♦ The day before the wedding: Attend the ceremony rehearsal and rehearsal dinner.
♦ Day of the wedding: Arrive on time at the designated location.